Forward utterances...

" Global Warming not all bad for Canada"

March 21, 2017 - Stephen Harper (pictured above) celebrated his 10th anniversary as Canada's Prime Minister by attending a U.N. Canada/Kyoto Review Conference this week in Huntsville, Ontario. The conference was originally scheduled for Iqaluit, Nunavut, but the the territorial capital, on Baffin Island, is under 25 metres of polar melt-water. Speaking to reporters in Huntsville, which is now situated on the new southern coastline of Hudson Bay, Mr. Harper reiterated his government's bemusement with climate change and stated that "Global warming is not all bad for Canada". When pressed for details, the Prime Minister anounced that the latest figures show Canada's unemployment rate had reached zero percent for the first time in the country's 150-year history. He went on to explain that every last unemployed person in Canada was now on the federal payroll, after being conscripted to combat massive, nationwide coastal flooding. The only provinces not participating in this effort were P.E.I. and Newfoundland, which were both already completely submerged.

At one point, Mr. Harper, clad in protective gear, seemed to be overwhelmed by the sweltering 45C-degree, mid-March weather in the Muskoka resort town. He was revived with a cool drink by his staffers, who had helped him into the new Huntsville Global Warming Steakhouse & Beerhall, one of the latest franchise locations of the popular and rapidly expanding chain, owned by former Alberta Premier, Ralph Klein.

Revived, Mr. Harper announced his government's latest initiative, the Arctic Freshwater Left-Overs Program, will be renamed, after his Environment Minister, John Baird, complained that Canadians were insisting on referring to the program in its acronym form: A.F.L.O.P. The program is designed to divert Canadian Arctic melt-water to Arizona golf courses.

Later in the day, attempts were made to contact oppositions leaders for their reaction to the Prime Minister's pronouncements. Unfortunately, neither the NDP or Bloc leaders could be reached. Jack Layton was a guest of Hugo Chavez at a week-long beef barbecue in Venezuela and Gilles Duceppe was stomping grapes at Brian Mulroney's vineyard in grape hotspot, Chibougamau, Quebec. Liberal leader, Stephane Dion, was contacted but was only interested is telling reporters that he was legally changing his name to Steve Dion, in hopes of appealing to English-speaking voters who had for years been forgetting who he was.